Its the calm before the storm...

At this point, I have hit rock bottom financially. Don't worry! It's a good story... I am sitting in the Starbucks while my kids are at school (a private school I am behind on paying for), my occasional Tuesday job doesn't have enough work to pay me to come in today, my other job that I started wants me to jump through all kinds of hoops to get paid, so that is taking a while, my third job that I fill in at should be paying me via direct deposit any day for filling in one day almost two weeks ago, my fourth stream of income I deposited a check I was handed from an angel today, but my account is over drawn $13 and I deposited it, but it is processing so I couldn't pay for the hot tea I just ordered so I could sit in this starbucks and use the internet to write a blog post... AND my gigantic tax return is in the mail... AND this is the longest run on sentence in history.  I am so beyond grateful to be sitting here. Alive. Healthy. Happy as a clam. Maybe I should be embarrassed? I don't know... I might sit here until my deposit goes thru so I can pay for my hot tea. But I am so stoked on life I can barely sit here still. I keep looking around me, I am surrounded by old people, because I live in a retirement community, playing cribbage, talking about their fixed income and dentures.

I am so stoked on life because it can only get better from here. There is no possible way to go down! At least financially. HA! It is so interesting and different for me to look at any negative in my life. I see it, but then, I focus on why this is happening? What have I to learn?

I saw someone today that has always been a big part of my life. Someone in her family has been a key person in my life since I was possibly 10. Now, not one of them is. In fact, they have in a way disowned me, or so it feels to me. I don't blame them. I made choices that didn't involve them. But, where I am going with this, is that I saw her today. I wasn't really ready to see her, so what do I have to learn? I need to forgive, I think. I need to forgive myself. It was okay to chose a path for myself without considering everyone else, like was accustomed for me. I need to move forward. But, not without acknowledging where I have come from. It is easy to sit here and panic that I can't pay for a hot tea. The sweet lady behind the counter told me not to worry about it. But... I will pay for what I have asked for.

I could have easily asked two friends that I have seen here to pay for my tea. I could have walked the easy road. I could have stayed comfortable, worked the job where I made loads of money but wasn't growing anymore. I could have stayed with the man I agreed to marry and traveled around with him, but I wouldn't have learned these lessons for myself. It was important to notice the destructive patterns and consciously decide I would be no part of them anymore. It was time for me to grow.

I could have chickened out in this whole journey and given up when it got tough. But, I am a different person now than I was before I made some tough decisions. I am aware. I am awake. The things I am learning and the path I am on is one I chose. I choose to be in a different space than where I have been the last 20 years. I have learned so many things from this journey, I can hardly contain or remember it all. My mind is full of thoughts, my arms are full of books, and my heart is filled with people. My path to transformation is leading me down a road of simplicity, detachment, learning, loving, and a shit ton of hard work. But, I am moving forward. I may not have one dollar in my pocket (I have 3 but left them at home) but I feel accomplished and rich with knowledge and love. Love powers the universe and all of the energy that surrounds us, its the life force and the battery I choose to run off of. Money may make the world go around, but its also just paper. Without money, there is still hot tea. There are still people to love. There goes one more person I could have asked to pay for my tea. But, I need to go at this alone.

At lease I got the "bring your own cup" discount. As I am flying with my projects and with my love for life, learning and the people I encounter I give thanks for the people who got me where I am. I am so fortunate they have loved me, even if they no longer do. And, I will continue to love every person I encounter with the hopes of sending enough love around the world to get back to the people who gave it to me. One big circle. But, this journey I had to go at alone. I will have built this tiny house with my own two hands and done it without any debt. In this last sentence I have figured out what my lesson was, what the hell was I doing buying hot tea? I should have been buying a 2x6.